Lucky #9 Soap
Lucky #9 Soaps are handmade cold process soaps made right here in our little studio in Vermont by our resident mad scientist!
Do you live locally? You can use the coupon code "LOCAL" at checkout to remove the shipping charge and your order will be waiting for you at the Milton Farmers' Market and/or the BPAL Vermont Lunacy Event at the end of the month.
After spending years in an attempt to decipher these sandalwood, Florentine iris, herbaceous clover, French verbena, violet leaves and ambergris scented stones, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that they're just Alien personal ads. I'm flattered, "ProbN4U-66", but I'm married.
A Naughty Haiku
Vanilla and Lace,
Kiss me with that Leather Whip.
Candy Apple Pie
What's that? Did I make a pie out of candy apples? Of course not, don't be silly, doing something like that would be utterly ridiculous. I took an apple pie and dipped it in candy coating. #'Murica.
An Orange and Vanilla Crème smoothie for Sam, a long time friend who's always been there and has disgusting amounts of talent that leave me furious with appreciation. He also drew the Lucky #9 Cat! Cheers, Sam!
Choco Vanilla Strawberries
Personally I think you're kinda weird if you look at fruits covered in drippy goo and start having naughty thoughts. What's so sexy about extra sugary fruit? Now, if it was a pizza covered in ketchup, I'd be ready to give that waterbed a workout.
Dr. Odd's Calming Brew for Nutjobs
Just going to sit here, with my coffee, and have a nice relaxing day with nature… Definitely not thinking of taking over the world with an army of Robot Lobsters…
Mwahahahahahaha… hahaha… haaaaa…
I stared into the orange abyss... and the orange stared back at me... for a couple minutes anyway, then it seemed to get bored and went to go stare at Nature Documentaries. That's right, Nature Documentaries, ORANGE you glad I didn't say Reality TV? Eh? Does that joke fly? Nobody gets me.
Evil Psychic Watermelon
Help me it's getting closer and - Augh!
Haha There Are No Evil Psychic Watermelons, That Was A Joke By Me, A Human, I Love Having Legs And A Body Devoid Of Seeds.
Goblin Fruit from Queen Titania's Garden Party
Spending a weekend in the Faerie Realm is a really bad idea, but it's probably alright to swing by for a spot of tea and maybe some snacks. Just try not to stare when a Goblin Fruit the size of a hippo walks up to you and offers to let you cut off a piece. Some people say it smells like Strawberries.
Grandma's Buttercream Caramels
Every year I ask my Grandma for the recipe for
these candies, and every year she says to me,
""I'm not your Grandma, I'm a homeless man named
Dave and you're eating my boots."" Haha, okay
Grandma, maybe next year, maybe next year...
A misty, lemon-fresh scent is upon the air, that can only mean one thing; UNDEAD BLAGAURDS are afoot!
Pardon me whilst I adjourn to the larder, as circumstances have dictated that I must unseal a tin of her Royal Majesty's
Thrashed-Buttock to visit upon these shambling oafs!
No Silver Lining
Just dark storms and arcs of lightning to brighten up your day! What, don't look at me like that, not everybody is happy in bright sunshine and warm temperatures. You know who likes bright and sunny? Bugs, that's who, and they're just waiting out there for you. Nature's gross like that. So stay inside and enjoy the scent of sandalwood and musk.
A Lemon Lime Pixie tried to shank me in my sleep, but unfortunately for her my cat Ms. Rose wasn't having any of that nonsense. Pixie dun got ATE! But now my cat flies around the living room getting glitter on everything -_-;
Poison Candy Apple
HEEHEEHEE! A nice sour apple with hints of dulce caramel! Try some, myyyyyyy BEAUTY!!! HEEHEEHEE- wait, by try some I mean use it as soap, don't eat it, you'd get really sick if you ate it. I mean truth in advertising but now I feel like I totally wasted the whole Witch motif. Eh, just as well, I was probably skirting copyright infringement anyway... HEEHEEHEEEEE!
Pumpkins by Jack
(With hand-carved jack-o-lantern faces, contains glycerin soap elements)
I know what you're asking yourself right now, ""Where can I even buy a hat for a Rhino?""
But what you should be asking yourself is, ""What's the difference between how gingerbread smells
and how pumpkin cake smells?""
The answer is shut-up and enjoy your Christmas Pumpkins.
Red Apple Splatters
<Ajevie> Do you know what 'Apple-Splatters' actually means?
<Lucky> Yes, apples and that have yuzu grenades hidden in them by Chipmunk rebels.
<Ajevie> Where do you come up with this nonsense?
<Lucky> I DON'T SLEEP!!!
Red-Grape Champagne for Kelly & Paul
A bottle of bubbly for my two best customers!
...or if they don't want their names to be on the label, a bottle of bubbly for two total strangers
who just happen to have the same names as my two best customers.
Let's see you try to sue me now!
Royal Jelly from the Alien Bee Queen
Distilled in outer space by Hippie Astronauts who have no idea how they got there or why they thought milking a giant space bee was a good idea, but here's the soap to prove it exists. Honey? No that's from normal bees, this one smells like Kumquats.
Scary Movie Night
What goes with a good scary movie? That's right, a house with all the doors and windows locked, a fully loaded
pair of shotguns, and a charged cellphone with 9 and 1 already dialed.
Or Popcorn I suppose… yeah, probably popcorn.
I was going to make what I thought was a funny picture
of a naughty joke in hieroglyphics, but my wife said if
there was anyone who could actually read it, we'd get
sued. So enjoy this bar of Spicy Leather soap.
Not all witches live in the woods, some live in fetid swamps with mist and moldy trees… and molasses apples, because you need fruit in your diet. Don't try to run from a Swamp Witch, they avoid empty carbs and can sprint like Dobermans.
Your best bet is to talk to them about the lack of swamp WiFi, then sneak away while they're rambling.
(A high-energy fruity blend) Winter recedes and warmth slowly creeps across the land to awaken life once more. And as the springtime sun rises, all the vampire clowns burst into flames.
The Badger Mistress
When your Panda comes home from a hard day's work, greet him at the door wearing nothing more than a saccharine smile, a spiked harness, and a polished pine paddle. Now get medieval on him before he can run away!
The Obligatory One From Vermont
Lucky, when are you making a maple soap?
………Because that's all Vermont has huh, Maple and that one brand of Ice Cream?
Well joke's on you, SUCKER, because it's not Maple SYRUP scented, it's Maple TREE scented!
The Shy Anarchist
Sometimes it's best to offer up a polite suggestion and tender words, thoughtfully written out in a letter to be read at the convenience of others. You can go flip a car later. A Strawberry and Kiwi cocktail, rather than a Molotov.
The Springtime Witch
Michelle's Spellbook Some witches ride brooms, but others have to ride mowers because Robert will call the HOA on any lawn that doesn't meet his standards. Get a life, Robert, sorry it's not 1963 anymore.
The Spurned Witch's Burn Book
Double bubble, toil and trouble, Dave you're a selfish bastard and I can't believe you dumped me for that trashy waitress in Dallas. I already threw all your crap out onto the lawn, except for your watch, I'm using that so the Demons I summon will be able to track you down. Jerk. (a leather-bound tome with a hint of rose petals)
YEAH!! PEACH FLOWERS!!! THAT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT FIRE-SPITTING HOTRODS BEING DRIVEN
BY GRIZZLY BEARS THAT HAVE CHAINSAWS FOR FEET!!!
Vermont Hot Chocolate
1. Take a 10oz cup.
2. Add 1lb. of marshmallows.
3. Grudgingly add 2oz of hot chocolate.
4. Garnish with insulin and enjoy.
I thought long and hard about how I could possibly make a funny story for what is essential just a Strawberry Cake, but I think I came up with a really good one so I hope you appreciate the effort. Once there was- crap I ran out of room.
You're Invited To The Wedding Of King Philip & Fwumples
Love takes all forms, even in the odd case of a fantasy land monarch who from certain angles might resemble a hand-puppet, and his blushing bride who may or may not look like a purple pig made out of Styrofoam and construction paper. Anyway, here's oranges and vanilla.
All bars are approximately 5oz.
Made from Distilled Water, Sodium Hydroxide, Sunflower Seed Oil, RSPO Certified Palm Oil, micas & fragrance oils.
*contains coconut charcoal
•Palm Free Soap - Distilled Water, Sodium Hydroxide, Olive Oil, Coconut Oil, Castor Oil, Sunflower Oil, Shea Butter, Cocoa Butter, micas & fragrance oils.
†Glycerin Soap - Sorbitol, Propylene Glycol, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Stearic Acid, Water, Sodium Hydroxide, Myristic Acid, Sodium Cocoyl Isethionate, Glycerin.