Zomg Smells No Foolin' (pre-order)

ZOMG Smells

  • $ 3.50

Only 4 left!

Pre-order* items have not yet arrived at my studio, but have been listed/ordered.  Once it reaches me processing takes 3 - 14 business days before it's shipped out to you.  To estimate when your order is likely to be heading out, keep an eye on the 'Status' of ordered items. 

Status: Ordered April 3rd


Camping in Marmalade
Tabby's orange and brown sugar gets toasted on Camping's campfire, and the result is a smoky, vintage Seville orange marmalade over oak chips and a whiff of burnt marshmallow. A little cinnamon, but only the barest little bit--we wanted to focus on the toasty orange and the woody base. Not a marmalade housecat, more like a lynx.

Captain of Industry Eating a Seagull
We had a lot of fun with this--whereas Captain is a luxury high-rise scent, Seagull is more of a beachy thing, so naturally the way to go in order to combine them harmoniously was a luxury high-rise beach. We think we nailed it. Tart lemon, iced tea well-spiked with top-shelf booze, sea breezes, salty driftwood and ginger candy melting in the sun. Deluxe.

Dr. Zomg's Barbaric Splendour
The results are like a Ren Faire soda: all the bright, honeyed sweet-sour citrus notes of Dr. Zomg's Superlative Polytonic Mira-balm with a sexy, rich underlayer of sandalwood, red musk, myrrh, patchouli and amber pillaged right off Barbaric Splendour. Dr. Zomg is anointed with rare oils and dripping with the ancient sap of gorgeous trees strung into big, chunky bead form as she lifts a cold fizzy one to the skies. Or a warm fizzy one, since mounted invaders were not really known for their portable refrigeration. The important thing here is that it's delicious, plunderous, and it might decide to go conquer something if you're not careful.

Empty Airship Hanger
Ever wanted to smell something that Phil Foglio said NO to? NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! This scent was described by the mighty gentleman Foglio-- when we offered it to him-- as "an empty airship hangar." And not in a good way! HIS EXPRESSION MADE THAT CLEAR.
Google Scent Search may have led you here. Rank curiosity will make you open the bottle and let out the fine, antique aroma of EMPTY AIRSHIP HANGAR, guaranteed to cure ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but your SAD LACK OF EXPOSURE TO INSUFFICIENT AIRSHIPS IN A CAPACIOUS, SLIGHTLY MANKY HANGAR.
Sticky, syrupy balsam of Peru BRUSQUELY MILKED FROM A TREE, sharp green herbal galbanum, SWEET-ASS frankincense, PUNGENT SPILLS OF AIRSHIP FUEL, oil that DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE THERE but some Cid-like engineer got a little overenthusiastic and there is no telling where he wiped his hands afterward, and UNFORTUNATELY MANKY HANGAR DUST, do you ever even sweep this place WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN, gah.

Lady Stabbington-Hackworth
Sir Fightypants is masculine, and that's cool if you want to smell like a dude rolling in the dirt, but maybe you want something a little more like a lady stabbing you in the breastplate and whacking your pauldrons. We almost called this one Damsel in Heavy Plate. It's a valid subtitle if you want to answer with that instead when people ask you what's making you smell so niiiiiiice.
A sharp, clean amber for the wiser, seasoned duelists holds it all together with a smoky touch of resinous, eager copal for the young ambers among us-- still full of excess energy, and perhaps not so full of patience yet. That energy might wear the older folk down... or it might not. Sticky-sweet myrrh adds a further touch of class, rounded out by a pleasingly light new dragon's blood we've discovered just in time to make a beautiful thing for you warrior ladies out there. Suitable for the boardroom or the battlefield, as you please.

Modesty Cod
The awkward thing about Renaissance Faires is-- no, it's not the people walking around in Starfleet uniforms with tricorders, and how dare you judge my parents. It's groins. Groins in tights. You know what I'm talking about. Is that guy even wearing underwear under those? Oh god, stop staring, he'll see you staring.
Most of us are not, ah, exposed to a plethora of foreign groins on a daily basis, and it can be a little intimidating. Luckily, the codpiece exists as an even more obvious crotch thing that it's totally okay to look at, because that's what they're for. You're supposed to admire a nice cod. They're stuffed and exaggerated to make fashion statements, and statements about wealth, and nice fabrics, and David Bowie in Labyrinth.
Mmm. David Bowie. ...What was I saying? Oh, right. Groins. Stuffing. Modesty! So anyway, we made a scent devoted to the mighty, nay, the noble codpiece.
A delicious, sensual fragrance with some green and wood and sexy in it. Look at my cod, this says. My cod is amazing.

Ren Tits
Ren tits. You know what I'm talking about. Corsets that give modest bosoms sudden cleavage and make lush bosoms threaten to overflow their velvet-brocade-fancy-trimmed-whatnot bounds. Girls in corsets. Women in corsets. Men in corsets! CORSETS.
Well, this is a tribute to them or something. Go nuts. Nuts like sugared almonds, which we totally put in this scent. There might be rose, too. Was there rose? I don't remember. Eh, whatever, it's sweet and stuff, you'll like it.
Hand me another ale, I'm exhausted from typing all that stuff about groins for Modesty Cod anyway. What? You want more notes? You want to know more about what it actually smells like? Come back tomorrow, I can't be arsed today.

Sir Fightypants
Masculine as a roll in the dirt with sharp objects and another guy grunting at you. We think you're fun to watch; you know you're fun to be. Rub a little of our appreciation on yourself-- we put a great deal of thought into this, just for you.
Sharp, resinous copal-- young amber-- for the bright young fighters and their limitless energy combines with a dusky, aged amber for the wisdom, patience and restraint of the seasoned fighters... the ones who know to bide their time, conserve their energy, and then show their power and prowess when it counts most. The fresh, bitter-sweet scent of wormwood brightens the senses and helps you stay alert, while cypress keeps you mellow and grounded.
Good for being a man, or just smelling like a man. A fighter man, with just a little hint of leather in his armor.

Decants=8x35mm vials, Minis=5/8 dram bottles. Full sized bottles are stocked at ZOMG Smells.  As limited edition collections, these scents will be allowed to sell out.